Match Reports
14/03/09
South Saxons 1-6 Men's 4th XI
No Captain Brooks again this week. Something we're all going to have to get used to as the lovely Mrs. Brooks is about to drop! Whose is it I hear you all ask!? With the restrictions David's jock strap places on his nether regions it can't be his!! Well either way, it can't be mine as I made sure I used the 'withdrawal technique'. A satisfying, yet messy form of contraception but no less effective (not recommended)'
Anyway, I digress, Brighton arrived at Horntye pitch in Hastings with 15 minutes to spare and slightly bemused with a 4:30pm push back time. An hour of the day none of us are used to as by this time we are normally drinking in the clubhouse reveling in victory and debating man of the match and dick of the day awards. Never the less, we made it, even in Wrighty's smart car where the boot is under the bonnet and not even big enough to take a dump in!
Quite a few absences this week but a welcome return for Will S and Matt Harding (TiTi) who have been sorely missed away with injury or on 3s duty. Special thanks also to Potter and Jamie who stepped in at defence and aided Ready with some crucial challenges and interceptions. Just as a side note, what the hell has happened to Chris Perry!? It's been far too long Mr. Perry; you've missed so much including a fantastic on pitch strop from Andy C last week and a very special pair of pants that I've been aching to show you.
Ready stepped up as captain and in his first duty of the day, lost the toss! Good work Ready, now we have to spend the first half looking at a beautiful yet blinding evening sunset. Oh well a minor drawback as we knew we weren't going to lose. However, saying that, another first for Brighton as we went for a good 10 minutes without scoring. Not to worry as a neat move from Will S and Davros set up our first goal. Their keeper made a decent save down by his right post and Harding pounced to live up to his name and roofed the ball from 2 inches. A post match discussion about this goal concluded with Matt convincing us that in fact, the ball travelled more than two inches before it crossed the line, albeit in an upwards direction but true. 1-0 Brighton, but unfortunately this wasn't to last.
After a number of all too familiar dodgy decisions from the umpires and countless 'move it up 10' judgments awarded against us for back-chat, Saxons were awarded a free hit on the edge of our D. The ball found its way to their center forward who managed to connect well with a strike and get an equalizer. Our stand in keeper, Vanilla Ice decided that a shot straight at him was worthy of a goal and like a desperate hooker behind on her credit card repayments, he just couldn't keep his legs together. 1-1, but we were still in control.
Now, as mentioned, the umpires this week were not in the mood for any chat. I know I seem to moan about officials every time I write match reports but my complaints are justified and unlike Tosh, I wait till after the game to really express my displeasure. Another decision against Brighton prompted a number of grumbles from our players but Tosh was singled out. I'm not completely sure of what was said but it was something along the lines of 'that is bo***cks ump!' either way, it resulted in a yellow card, Tosh was off and we were down to 10. Bad times!!!
Never fear, the Zebra print pants were here. We immediately picked ourselves up and some good work from Benson and the Dobinator [my only mention you'll be pleased to hear Brooksy] led to a break away run via Will S and Matt H upfront. Davros, in his less favoured position of right wing picked up the ball just outside their 25 and after pis**ng all over their defence, found himself on his all too familiar reverse side. Not to be outdone after hitting a man in the chest last week, Dav tried his luck again and with a superb reverse stick strike from the left of the D, the ball slammed into the bottom corner. 2-1 Brighton! Hope you're keeping warm on the sideline Tosh but you might as well get comfy as we were reinforcing that fact that we play better with 10 men. As a shear display of arrogance, maybe we should have tried this and left Tosh to patrol the sideline and rattle off as many offensive expletives towards the umpires as possible. Probably not the best idea I've ever had...
With half time rapidly approaching there was just enough time for Brighton to score again. Another good move involving Matt H, Will S and Davros resulted in the ball squirming through the onrushing keeper slowly spinning over the line. A much needed goal that meant we were definitely in control. A second for Davros- a third for Brighton and we were cruising.
There was just enough time for one more incident before half time when the ball found its way to Will S in the left hand side of the D. He played a cross/ shot that from my view looked like it was going in but a Saxons player stopped it with his foot and the umpire only awarded a short corner. A few more moans and groans from our players and the umpire reversed his decision. So what potentially should have been a penalty flick to Brighton was now a 16 against us!? I did try and get an explanation from the umpires but the only reply I got was muffled incoherence. Still, Tosh did manage a two finger gesture behind his back whilst still on the touchline. Half time and Brighton, despite not playing our best, were well in control.
An uplifting half time team talk from Ready turned us all into sobbing emotional wrecks like a bunch of pre-menstrual woman watching Titanic. It did the job though, as we came out for the second half even stronger. A strike from Davros outside the D found its way to TiTi who cannot argue this time about his 2 inch tap in at the far post. It even warranted a little skip, jump and fist shake from Davros as a release of joy.
Benson scored too. Sorry Dan but I can't really remember it so let me just make it up' Benson picked up the ball on the half way line holding his stick upside down. He then dribbled round their entire team (including the umpires) -twice, and found himself one on one with the keeper. Amazingly, he then downed his stick, took off all his clothes, and through telekenesis, simply willed the ball towards goal which rocketed into the top corner just clipping the underside of the bar.' or something like that!!
The icing on the cake came from a free hit awarded to us just outside their D. Ready stepped up and the Dobinator dived at the ball to get a deflection that made it 6 to Brighton. Sorry Brooksy, I gave myself another mention there but it was all Ready's making.
All in all, a happy result. We definitely weren't on top form but scoring six, away from home, when you're not at your best can't be too harshly judged.
Team: Vanilla Ice, Wrighty, Potter, Ready (c), Jamie, Tosh, Benson, The Dobinator, Davros, Will S, TiTi.
Scorers:
Matt Harding x 2
Davros x 2
Benson x 1
The Dobinator x 1
Man of the Match: Davros. Another great game and another reverse stick goal.
Dick of the Day: Tosh. A close one with Vanilla Ice (getting megged) and Potter (passing to their center forward from a 16) but Tosh won for getting sent off after a majority vote.