Match Reports
08/03/08
Richmond 1-2 Men's 1st XI
Twenty years ago hockey was going through a period of change. The Great Britain side had just won Gold at the Seoul Olympics and players like Sean Kerly, Imran Sherwani, Ian Taylor and Steve Batchelor were household names for their exploits in a 3-1 final win against West Germany. This victory helped create a surge in popularity for the sport and although more and more artificial pitches were being laid, a lot of hockey was still being played on grass. Grass hockey had it's qualities and twenty years on Brighton and Hove turned in an old-school grass pitch performance in a vital 2-1 win at Richmond. Let the big lad at the back whack the ball - a policy that brought Brighton three vital points in their quest for survival from South Premier Division One.
Brighton arrived at Richmond in good spirits after three wins in the last four games meant that their survival hopes rested in their own hands. Richmond were just three points below and it was once again a six-pointer that Brighton could not afford to lose. Brighton were buoyed by the news that regular sweeper Hugh Salter was absent attending his 60-year old Aunt's wedding and although Brighton's players thought that Salter should have taken along his children Simon and Andrew Acott, Salter claimed that the invite said "No Kids Allowed". However, rumours abound that the invite actually said "No Gingers Allowed" and Salter was able to attend after claiming he was "strawberry blonde". Either way, this meant that the Acott brothers were available for selection.
Before the team talk, Tom Langston and Sam Forster were stood outside on the balcony avoiding the rest of the team after Richard Baker had expressed his disapproval of their Friday night antics. Forster had won an election to be Vice President of some University body that no-one has ever heard of and him and Langston had celebrated this news on Friday night. Langston looked dishevelled and any relief that at least he was able to style his hair with gel was soon taken away when it was revealed the sticky appearance was due to him washing his hair in cava. Last week Forster had claimed that 85% of the drugs in his body were legal, but it was quite clear that this figure had now changed, and even clearer after the match that they were not performance-enhancing drugs.
In the dressing room Matt McNeill tried to inspire the team by asking them to spend a minute in their own thoughts as to what was the one skill they were going to do during the match. One can only imagine what the players were thinking - Langston if he could go the whole game without being sick, Ben Butlin as to just how many minutes he could pretend to have beaten Salter by in the Sussex half-marathon, Baker as to how many more nights he could take his girlfriend out before she had to stay in to revise for A-levels and Kevin Browne as to just how will he sell those Celine Dion tickets. Some say keeper Neil Burlinson fell asleep and the way he started the game few could disagree.
Simon Turner missed the minute as he had taken the opportunity to go the showers and freshen up after flying back in from his holiday that morning especially for the game. That dedication was admirable - something that Salter should take note of - although when he returned from the showers and interrupted the minute's silence, he still sported a beard that made him look like the Craig David caricature on Bo Selecta. Rumours that he looked tired because he met a girl on Monday, took her for a drink on Tuesday and then made love to her the rest of the week have yet to be substantiated.
When the team was announced, several players thought McNeill had said "Forster for Moonie" at left-back before then naming Forster at right-wing. This was a big surprise as Forster struggles in one position, let alone in two, but it seems that McNeill actually said "Forced to play Moonie". Langston responded by catching a Jaffa Cake in his mouth that was thrown by Simon Acott, ramming down the throat the words of the critics who say he cannot stop aerials.
To cover for Salter's absence, Brighton pushed Gareth Lendrum back to sweeper and moved Butlin back to left-midfield. Having started up-front last week, Butlin was now back in a favoured midfield role and buoyed by this change was quick to claim that new records show he actually beat Salter by 9 minutes in the Sussex half-marathon. Richmond looked a professional outfit off the pitch - using ladders during the warm-up and wearing matching kit. This contrasted sharply with Brighton who have their own unique style - Forster's hobo appearance, Langston's flip-flops, Burlinson's plus fours and dodgy yellow jumper and Butlin's wild array of Palatinate clothing. But on the pitch the sides seemed evenly matched until Richmond took the lead after poor marking by Browne led to a dreadful mistake by keeper Neil Burlinson when he let a reverse stick shot through his legs, his first mistake since the warm-up. Turner showed his comradeship by saying he wanted to run the length of the pitch to hit Burlinson around the head and with Burlinson running into Craig Carolan on Sunday afternoon, one can only imagine how Carolan would have greeted the goal. Burlinson's claim that he let it in to lull Richmond into a false sense of security was as fanciful as Salter's declaration that he beat Butlin in the Sussex half-marathon.
After Burlinson had made his attempt to join Paddy Kenny and Jussi Jaaskelainen in the next Christmas video Brighton settled down and started to get back into the game. The "big lad at the back" Lendrum thumped many balls up the pitch and continually frustrated Richmond with his ability to pick out fellow Zimbabwean Browne with inch-perfect passes. With the way Brighton were playing, it looked likely a goal would come from a Lendrum thunderbolt and with one thunderous pass he picked out Simon Acott who cleverly deflected the ball goalwards where brother Andrew was on hand to apply the finishing touch and drag Brighton level. The ginger connection had worked yet again and Brighton were back on track. They continued to press forward and during another attack Simon Acott found space in the D to finish well and give Brighton a 2-1 half-time lead. As Barry Davies would have commentated, "Where were the Richmond.... but frankly, who cares!"
Brighton came out for the second half fired up and they played the second half as a game of attack versus defence. Sadly, Brighton were the ones playing as the defence with their forwards struggling to hold onto the ball. This was especially annoying for Brighton's defence and midfield who would surge forward to support the attack only to then need to chase back. Never has so many times Burlinson shouted out "why is my right back at right wing?" and never has so many times has he not been answered. It was during one of these chases back that saw Baker put in an early performance for the Best Actor award at next year's Oscars. As he went to make a tackle, he was accidentally caught on the follow-through on his head by a Richmond stick and although it probably hurt, he remained the London crowd of just what Jurgen Klinsmann could do as he threw his body back and rolled around on the ground. The crowd were so impressed by Baker that Oliver Stone later phoned him up to ask him to consider taking a role in a remake of Platoon.
Brighton continued to defend well and Richmond's best chances came from short corners and Burlinson had woken up enough by this stage to make a couple of vital stops. In the final minutes Brighton made it hard for themselves but they hang on for a massive three points. They may not have played as well as in recent weeks but it was a gutsy performance and everyone worked so hard to earn those three points that takes them into the top 6, but still needing 2 points to be safe.
The post-match atmosphere was good and Lendrum was basking in his success at sweeper. He had been considering retirement at the end of the season, but he remarked that he now knew how Salter had continued to play for so long due to the little amount of running needed in his sweeper role. Butlin was ecstatic at another full game and he did an impression of Baker when he rolled around pretending to be in lots of pain after Turner sprayed a small amount of Savlon on his cut knee. Butlin was soon on the mend when he noticed Andrew Acott was wearing boxer shorts that were not far off the Palatinate colour. The Brighton players tried to get the result through to Salter, but when it was rumoured that his Aunt was in fact 80, it was assumed that Salter was probably busy with the amount of similar-aged women as him at the wedding.
Next week Brighton entertain Staines at home and will be looking for some revenge after suffering an embarrassing 9-0 loss in the away fixture before Christmas when Brighton's experimental tactics did not work. Despite only two league matches left, there are still lots of questions to be answered. Just how did Forster rig the ballot to win that election? Will Baker get into the opposition 25 for the fourth week running? Will Russell Perkins have ball speed for the second week running? Why is the right back at right wing? Will Turner turn up with a kestrel on his shoulder? Will Salter enjoy his trip to West Hampstead with the 2's?
As Jason Donovan once said, there are too many broken hearts in this World and Brighton know that a win against Staines will guarantee them safety and avoid any heartbreaking moments.