Match Reports
01/03/08
Purley Walcountians 0-4 Men's 1st XI
Brighton & Hove are in danger of getting vertigo as a 4-0 home win against Purley Walcountians in South Premier Division One has seen them climb to 7th spot in what is a congested league table, their highest league placing of the season. However, the league is so tight that although a good finish to their campaign could see them reach the top 6, they also know that one bad game could see them slide back into the relegation zone and face the dreaded drop.
The term "six-pointer" was designed for games like Saturday and both sides knew that a win was vital, with Brighton going into the game trailing Purley by one point. Purley's preparations were hampered by an accident on the M23 that held up one of their cars, whilst Brighton also had to wait for players with Hugh Salter and Matt McNeill both turning up late. Salter claims he was preparing a lawsuit against Ben Butlin for comments made during the week with regards the Sussex half-marathon, with Butlin claiming he has evidence that he beat Salter by 8 minutes. However, rumours persist that Salter was taking advantage of a rare sunny day to try and get his ginger hair to lighten up and turn his preferred "strawberry blonde". Butlin took the opportunity to watch Brighton & Hove Albion's Under 18's beat Southend 4-1 and it was during this game that Richard Baker, who teaches one of the footballers, revealed that at his school they played a student v staff match. The students won easily and this seemed surprising to everyone as Baker has no problem kicking the ball during a hockey match that you thought he must be highly skilled at football. However, perhaps he has a similar problem in football as he does to hockey, but this time cannot help but use his hands.
In one change to last week's squad, Turbo was dropped to the 2's with Simon Acott recalled to the First Team. This pleased his brother Andrew who did not fell isolated as the only ginger after Salter's cruel rejection the week before. Tom Langston and Sam Forster were dropped to the bench for missing training on Tuesday night to travel down early to a BUSA Play-off match, meaning Simon Acott would begin at left-back. This seemed particularly harsh on Langston, who finally produced a good game against Lewes and was rewarded with the bench. The pre-match atmosphere was excellent and it was a relief to the team when Neil Burlinson got his preferred spot in the changing room. When the shirts were handed out, Forster produced a bigger shock than last week's goal when he had actually washed the shirts, in a washing machine with washing powder. The fact that Forster and Langston had access to running water was even more of a surprise. This season Simon Turner has suffered from memory loss and in September he forgot that he played for Brighton last year and went and rejoined his former club Old Georgians. However, at Christmas he remembered he had joined Brighton but on this occasion he had forgotten to bring any socks. Burlinson lent him his red socks and Butlin, who worryingly carries a large supply of odd socks, lent Burlinson one blue sock and one Palatinate sock. Butlin offered to spend an hour or two with anyone who would like to know more about Palatinate, although he was still distraught at the loss of his University of Durham wind-cheater. However, Butlin's mood was improved when he found out he was starting in an unfamiliar left-wing role.
The game started in a cagey fashion and Brighton were determined to avoid conceding any early goals like they had done in their two previous outings.
Acott was working hard in the left-back role but it was not long before Langston replaced him, having learnt his lesson not to miss training (unless there is something more exciting to do). With a few children amongst the crowd, Brighton's forwards gave a good demonstration of the fundamental law of magnets and what would happen if you put the same ends together, as every time the ball came near they ran away. But with the midfield on good form, Brighton began to get a foothold in the game and the rampaging Turner burst through from midfield to fire a loose ball into the goal and give Brighton a half-time lead. Those socks have been involved in an awful lot of goals this season, but this was the first that was a positive one for Brighton.
The lead could have been extended but for some excellent defending from Salter, helping deflect a Lendrum shot onto the Purley keeper's stick.
The half-time team talk came and went with Bram van Asselt again pulling the strings to send out a fired up side for a vital 35 minutes. Despite it not raining, Langston resumed the second half drenched as on a windy day, he decided to urinate against the wind, making a mockery of the claim that students these days lack intelligence.
The second half saw chances at both ends of the pitch but it was Brighton who were more prolific in front of goal and they scored a second when Andrew Acott fired in. Brighton continued to press and they scored from a short corner for the third week running with Lendrum again on target. However, this time it was not one of his thunderbolts but instead a bobbler that he claimed he deliberately placed between the keeper's legs. This claim seemed as fanciful as Salter's view that he beat Butlin in the half-marathon.
Before the game Lendrum said that he was hitting the ball better than ever but he must have been practising with a beach ball as he failed to make a proper connection with any shots in the second half.
Chances came and went and Butlin, who resembled Peter Crouch when leading the line, was at the centre of a lot of the action. He was told that if he scored he had to the "robot" in celebration and his reluctance to do that may have explained why he missed so many chances. Dancing was certainly a theme running throughout the side as Kevin Browne, inspired by recently going to watch a live show of Strictly Come Dancing, waltzed his way down the line.
Brighton's fourth goal also came from a short corner when for the 19th week running Salter failed to get a short corner out quickly enough but Brighton have had plenty of practice reacting to this and eventually the ball was worked to Andrew Acott who finished well for his second of the match. The ginger connection had worked yet again and the difference in Andrew Acott when his brother Simon is playing is remarkable. Was it also a coincidence that on the same day Paul Scholes was being lauded for an exquisite midfield display?
Keeper Burlinson managed to strike lucky when several balls hit him during the game to earn a clean sheet and mean that Purley had failed to score against Brighton in both games this season. Burlinson's retirement after the Fareham game lasted all of three days and despite several players wishing he had stayed retired, his post-match knitwear would be sorely missed.
The win moved Brighton up to 7th place and they now face another huge match when they travel to 10th placed Richmond this weekend, who lie just 3 points behind. It is another six-pointer and both teams are missing key personnel; Brighton missing King van Asselt whilst Richmond have been dealt a blow with the news Salter will be missing for Brighton as he is attending his 60-year old Aunt's wedding. Brighton face a dilemma as to who can replace Salter he has such a wide range of skills. Lendrum can offer the same unerring accuracy of passing to the opposition's centre forward, but since Christmas only Simon Turner has occasionally matched Salter for his abuse of umpires.
Simon Acott can offer the same ginger hair, whilst Butlin can offer the same long-distance running skills, albeit a lot quicker. Langston is able to deflect balls into his own net as well as Salter, whilst the club are also looking at their Under 11's to see if they can find someone who can inject short corners that little bit quicker. Whoever gets picked, he will need to attend the Tony Blair School of Hand Gestures if he wants to emulate Salter.
The enormity of the Richmond game leaves a lot of questions to be answered.
Will Baker make it into the opposition 25 for the third week running? Will Browne ever sell his bulk load of Celine Dion tickets? Will Langston and Forster ever have a haircut again? Will the balding Burlinson ever need a haircut again? Will John Edwards continue to get more nervous when Brighton go 1-0 up? Will Turner's plane be on time to make it back for the game?
Will Butlin reveal why he keeps so many odd socks in his bag? Will Langston reveal why he stole Butlin's wind-cheater? How many more Aunts will Hugh have to get married?
As Europe would say, it's the Final Countdown and with just three games left Brighton have given themselves a great chance of staying up and they know three points against Richmond will go along way to achieving that.