Match Reports
03/03/07
Crowborough 1s 0-0 Men's 4th XI
Crowborough 1s 0 - 0 BHHC 4s
The first of two “six pointers” in Brighton 4s battle to avoid relegation came on Saturday against a Crowborough side perilously close to the drop. Brighton had managed a good result against Crawley the previous week and had opened a small gap from the relegation scrap.
Tinker man Thompo had struggled to get the usual squad together and so we travelled with a bare eleven including College and vets skipper Tim to give a cool head in midfield.
Brighton arrived at sleepy Crowborough in a haze of alcohol fumes and excess wind after some heavy nights the evening before. Bearing in mind push back was a civilised 1.30 there were still some impressive hangovers. We left the changing room still echoing with the sound of Lees, the man with the largest bladder in the club, who had spent an Austin Powers like age urinating before the match.
Strangely Brighton stated the brighter and forced a short corner in the opening minutes from which we earned a penalty flick. Wappy nominated himself to take it but with the booze fuelled sweat pouring from his every pore and his muscles shaking with withdrawal symptoms he managed to find the ‘keeper with unerring accuracy and the chance to take the lead was lost. Other than another shout for a p. flick later in the match this was Brighton’s only real effort on goal.
With only eleven Brighton had to box clever and were looking to counter using the width with Thompo wide on the left and Tosh on the right but a mixture of suspect passing skills and (if the ball managed to make it) stopping skills meant there was very little fluidity in the play. Luckily for us Crowborough were not any better and the game became a midfield battle with Brighton’s defence looking pretty solid.
Crowborough looked the marginally more dangerous and forced a short corner on the stroke of halftime. They took it quickly as the Brighton boys were still chatting about who would do what but luckily Brooksy was alert and dived well to his right to deflect the ball off the pitch and Brighton would go in all square.
There was no need to panic and Brighton felt that this was a game to be won. We began to find a little more precision in the early stages of the second half with Andy S using his pace to good effect but without a clear cut chance at the end of it. Graham, it seems, could do with a new pair of astros as he spent most of the second half on the deck. Perhaps he’s been borrowing Mullen’s old pair. That is the wrong mistake.
Meanwhile, College was having a stormer of a game in defence with his jab tackle getting plenty of outings to snuff out the Crowborough attacks. Ready was also having a cracker in defence. Twice he stretched himself and stick like some kind of Great Wall of China and like the Great Wall of China you have to go along way around it to get around it and if you try and run through it (in a David Copperfield style) you will fall over (after all most people aren’t David Copperfield). This is exactly what happened to two hapless Crowborough strikers who both thought that the defensive act of utilising a Great Wall of China style of defence was in fact an aggressive act and while Ready lay on the floor laughing the other player seemed to want to take it to another level. Luckily the first time Wappy was on hand to advise the striker that he was wrong and the second time College was on the scene to advise that “this isn’t rugger you know!?”
With eleven pairs of legs getting heavy Tosh had a brain wave and to get a few moments r&r and a chance for a quick wee would get himself yellow carded. After chirping his way through the majority of the second half, the umpire could take the torrent of drivel no more and decided to have a word. Tosh being Tosh would not be quiet and when asked rhetorically by the umpire “Who was the umpire?” raised his hand to confirm that he (Tosh) was the umpire. He promptly saw yellow and was told to leave the pitch. Great.
Brighton’s defence continued to hold firm and Brooksy was on hand if they broke through. The Crowborough striker was also convinced we were “panicking back here”. I’ve seen a Brighton defence panicking and we weren’t panicking this day. If he thought that was panicking he ain’t seen nothing.
Crowborough did come close to snatching victory when a well struck mis-hit bounced off the bar but the game ended in a nil-nil draw and Brighton’s first clean sheet of the season.
We took the time on the pitch for the award ceremony.
The chocolate teapot which should have by rights gone to Wappy for missing the p. flick went in true kangaroo court style to Thompo for series of non-stops in the second half.
Luckily Wappy did not get away with his miss and took home the dancing homer.
Without a college style “I’m left back!! Who am I marking” Tosh was the shoe in for the handbag following his ludicrous yellow card.
And this week we have a new award, the crown, awarded for outstanding ability throughout the match. Ironically sponsored by Ready and Brooksy. College was the inaugural winner beating off stiff competition from Andy S and Brooksy. It couldn’t have gone to a more regal looking player.
After the award ceremony we adjourned to the changing rooms for “The best showers we’ve had all season” quote from Tim.
I’ve just got to the end of the report and realised I haven’t mentioned young Sam Parkin. Sam played very well and was his usual dependable self. I didn’t hear Wappy shouting at him very much so he must have come to close to winning man of the match.
DB