Match Reports
10/02/07
Newhaven 1s 6-0 Men's 4th XI
Newhaven 1s 6 - 0 Brighton 4s
Brighton were stuffed on Saturday by a rampant and bustling Newhaven, top of the league and looking for promotion. We look forward to watching them have a depressing season next year travelling great distances to get stuffed themselves.
The game started on quite a tiresome note, with Newhaven’s highly unoriginal monosyllabic chant linking any male residents of Brighton with a particular sexual orientation. The irony was that the majority of the opposition looked like they’ve arrived hot foot from a Right Said Fred convention.
Anyway, the game began, after a short delay while Wappy tied up his laces, cleverly calling the players around him to postpone the push back; we (well Wappy) have been embarrassed before when caught unawares.
Brighton started well and forced three short corners in quick succession and should have been awarded a penalty flick when the defender blatantly cleared the ball off the line with his foot. To be fair to Zoe, she was distracted by all the lovely Right Said Fred look-alikes ! Another short corner was awarded but with no reward. Brighton must have used up all their attacking luck as we didn’t threaten the Newhaven goal again. Thompo came closest in the second half, but more about that later.
Still in the first half Thompo made a great clearance off Brooksy’s pads and then went down like he’d been shot. I swear it came from the book suppository (leisure centre) but Reedy was sure he’d seen someone on the grassy (muddy) knoll. Thompo went down from the back and to the side…. from the back and to the side…. from the back and to the side (if you haven’t seen the film JFK don’t worry). Thompo was down, and as it transpired, out. Reedy was on hand to give some first aid, the old leg up and push the foot technique. Not paramedic stuff, but as we’ll see later they have their own problems to worry about. But Thompo the campaigner had to retire from the fray. The Seaford pitch is well known for it’s size and unforgiving surface.
Newhaven got into their stride and came at Brighton (oo-er) like a freight train. We knew that their not so secret weapon was tattooed Right Said Fred look-alike number 1 who had a fearsome strike from a short corner. The early efforts were well parried by Brooksy and the boys were still in it. A well taken scrambled goal though gave Newhaven the lead and from here on in it was an up hill struggle. After some running repairs to Brooksy’s kit he managed to make a superb diving save and stunt man roll to whip the ball off Reedy’s nose (yes that high, it must have been going over).
Newhaven were not to be outdone and converted a short corner shortly after to give them a two goal lead going in at half-time.
Brighton did not want to roll over and take it up the…. Oh, let’s not go there. Brighton came out battling and Shef’s famous control and unflappability snapped and Newhaven knew they were well placed to win and began to get very cocky and a little petty. Chris Perry was having stormer in defence but the unsporting striker would constantly stick tackle before the ball arrived, cynical. (He always does that - Ed.)
A few more short corner strikes and even one weaving goal slotted under the despairing Brooksy (back pooooost!!!) and Newhaven had extended the lead to an unassailable one.
Little did we know that Thompo would be called upon mid way through the second half when Duncan was also forced to retire early. A deflected ball popped up and cracked him on the cheek bone splitting the skin. Luckily Tosh was on hand to patch up the poor soldier like someone from the Somme and Zoe was on hand to phone for the ambulance. Thompo came on playing as the high striker.
The ambulance arrived to collect Duncan but could only give running repairs as they became bogged down on the football pitch, rather than use the perfectly placed car park. The defensive short corner team were distracted at one short corner by the spinning wheels as the ambulance ground its way deeper into the turf. The hapless paramedics were still stranded as we left to go home; they were spotted tucking into doughnuts and latte in the Leisure Centre café.
Shef lost it again and had to be calmed (ironically) by Wappy with a few well chosen words in the ear. There was still time in this epic encounter for Right Said Fred to miss an absolute sitter which Wappy sprinted 25 yards to laugh at him about, haha. Andy C also lost it or was possessed or had some kind of self flagellating bout of tourettes and was seen spiralling, spitting and swearing to himself for a few minutes, something to do with a poor pass we think.
In the dying moments a chance finally fell Brighton’s way and part time forward Thompo was well placed to cream the ball into the back of the net, but unfortunately we were treated to an air shot. Apparently, the ball was spinning, spinning like a Shane Warne googly, no less. (Might have been a chinaman - Ed.)
Newhaven trotted out six nil victors and to be honest we were never in it, the ‘keeper was so cold and bored he had a shower after the match to warm up.
The award ceremony was held in the relaxing environs of a local boozer, with Shef still being intimately being courted by Right Said Fred look-alike no. 2 !!
Shef won the handbag for dropping his stick and raising his hands in the air on numerous occasions, amongst other things.
Thompo won the dancing Homer for being shot in the leg (cramp, worse pain than breaking your leg so Kevin Keegan says).
Thompo also won the teapot for his air shot when the salvation of some pride beckoned.